you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
