I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Can I color on your dick again?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
