you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
