i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
