it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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