My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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