"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
and i looked up. we had an audience...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
