After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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