He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize