I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
