went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
