She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
