I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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