dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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