I am puke
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize