I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
