I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize