I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize