God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
