Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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