Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
