I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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