Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
