She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
