mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
