Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize