I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
