Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
