I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
