Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need a beard to bite.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize