Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
There are leaves in my underwear?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
