if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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