I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize