Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
