We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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