Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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