This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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