really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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