there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You are a genius and a whore.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize