Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize