I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
