Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
