I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
