Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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