Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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