turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
