Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
