theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
