you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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