haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
