I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
