Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
