I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
