why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
as a side note pls kill me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
