Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
