He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
we're so committed to being not committed
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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