My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
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