I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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