my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
