Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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