he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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