when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
