help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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