well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
