yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the gays at disneyland are vicious
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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