im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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