he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
